Saturday, June 03, 2006

I’ve not been around. I didn’t get hit by a bus, crushed my skull and no brain matters flew to any spectators’ terrified faces.

Went back to Kangar to visit my most-adorable buddy in this living world - My grandfather.

It wasn’t a visit of leisure; it was a pretty upsetting stay. Buddy has cancer again. Almost terminal. As some of you would know, my grandpa had cancer for 3 times. 3 heart-wrenching experiences. This is last, because he doesn’t wish to fight it anymore. I guess he had enough and forcing an aged man to undergo chemotherapy is as though as asking him to drench his blood out everyday and pumping it back in. It’s too sore to handle. Thus, everybody accepted his decision and tries to make his remaining days more meaningful.

We imagined an ill man staying at home, enjoying his days with his wife. Occasionally bicker around with his wife because for 50 years they have been doing that, and their love grows deeper. He would build fences, and I mean literally, around his favorite garden right beside the house and remove every single weed with his bare hands. That is how detailed a man like him could be. Sometimes, he would go to the temple and contribute his remaining abilities to devote to God. We thought he’ll get some peace and painless moments before he will sadly, exhale his last breath.

But no. It was nothing like that. He was admitted into hospitals countless of times. He couldn’t eat because his esophagus is conquered by wicked cancerous cells. He needs his drips to ensure glucose in his blood, when sometimes they found too many needle scars on his hand, the nurses had to go for another hand while waiting for the old scars to recover before the whole circus repeat itself. He could barely mutter out a perfect sentence because a portion of his tongue has been amputated due to his second cancer. All I did was smile, speak randomly to him, grip his hand tight and try not to shed a tear. A smile from him in return was an assurance to me. He was so happy his grandchildren came back to visit him that he cried. He was extremely determined and strong, never cried about any problems that occurred in the past because he focused on solving it instead of grieving over the issue. However, he breaks down easily now and that, breaks our heart.

Mom told me to say a prayer to help my grandfather to pass his critical moments as sometimes he gets attacks of difficulty to breath. I didn’t. I don’t know why but somehow the more mature I’m growing into, the less I believe in God. Too many letdowns and eventually these believes don’t hold its ground so firmly anymore as it was when I was a child because partially, my parents lodged the belief into me. Mom scared my gut to blown when she told me my grandfather wasn’t going to survive 31st of May. I thought the doctors told her that but apparently some medium did. I was pretty pissed by that thought of hers and my aunt’s. I just have something against superstition.

Oh well, I’m done.

Look at these to soothe the tension in this entry,

What did i say about camwhores? It is in us all tak kira umur, jantina, serta kaum

Human face triangle

The only boy who is Yap. He is precious. And now, he is shitting in his diapers. Ain't he adorable

Replica. No wonder she sounds like she's barking all the time